


Sightless

by kaluha (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blindness, Coping, Gen, M/M, gamsol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2012-10-30
Packaged: 2017-11-14 12:07:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kaluha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sollux is finding being blind harder than he thought it would be, and Gamzee starts wearing a blind fold so he doesn't have to learn alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First steps

**Author's Note:**

> I drew a picture of this and I wanted to go into depth. I really love Gamsol, but it's such an underrated ship!  
> This is just a first practice chapter. I haven't proof read it yet, but I needed to get it out. When I continue writing I might redo it, but who knows! Enjoy for now I guess. OLLIES OUT.

Being blind was nothing like pretending to be blind. Everyone’s done it; it’s just a game you play as a kid. You close your eyes or cover them with a blind fold. You feel around the darkness, groping your way around. It’s foreign and exciting and all your other senses burn in compensation for the sudden lack of light, but it’s not permanent. You can open your eyes, and the real world is waiting – you can peak through the bottom of the blind fold and know where to step. You’d done this many times before, you’d try and walk your way across the bumbling wires to your computer, but as soon as you hit the chair you’d open your eyes again and think _easy_. Being blind, being well and truly blind, was nothing like this. Your eyes are open, you can feel the breeze on the black, smooth surface of your eyeball – you can feel your eye lids fall closed and flick open but the darkness doesn’t change. It doesn’t wax and doesn’t wane, it’s absolute and it’s frightening. There’s no escape from it and the tingling sensation that spreads across your skin doesn’t go away. This isn’t easy anymore. You feel stupid for thinking it ever would be.

Karkat scoffs next to you and your head automatically flicks towards the sound. There’s a rustle of fabric as (you assume) he moves closer. “What are you trying to do?” He whines, tapping his foot. You roll your eyes but without pupils it’s mostly meaningless. “Trying to sit on the couch what do you think I’m doing?” You cluck and scowl, adjusting the pink goggles on your face once more. “Give me your hand,” Karkat growls, trying to snatch your arm. His finger’s brush across your skin as you pull the arm closest to him away. “How am I supposed to learn anything when you keep coddling me like this KK, I’m not a grub. Let me figure it out myself!” You snap back, fingers curling into fists. Karkat’s tongue clicks. “Don’t get angry at me for fucking helping ok, the chair’s only a few meters away, just gimme your damn hand! You’re close enough, you whiny piece of shit!” You glare into the darkness and cross your arms. “No.” You can almost smell Karkat’s anger – and it’s not the most pleasant imaginary smell you’ve had the pleasure to think of. “JUST GIVE ME YOUR DAMN HAND!” He screams, grabbing a hold of your arm and pulling. Anger floods you, but it’s not the same as it was before. There’s no white hot rage, no sparks or explosions – there was only a boiling feeling in the pit of your stomach. It tasted more like indignity, and that just made it more frustrating. “Just leave me alone,” The force you’d prepared to deliver the line with didn’t come through. It sounded pitiful, and more than anything you wanted to swallow those words right back up again. As it turned out, it had been the right thing to say. “Fine,” Karkat said meekly. Without another word you turned and walked in what you happed was the right direction. Not that you had a direction, you were just tired of being stuck here. It was stifling, the people were stifling. You couldn’t handle their pressing need to treat you like a tiny grub learning to walk on his pincers for the first time. It disgusted you. You could handle it from Terezi, because she knew what you were going through – but she’d been blind for so long she may as well not be anymore. Despite her enthusiasm, and despite her dedication to teaching you, she wasn’t an ancient, blind dragon and she couldn’t teach you to see the world as your own big scratch and sniff card.

You wandered through corridors and doors and labs, not paying attention to where you were – exploring the darkness. Running into things in places you didn’t know was less frustrating than in places where you once knew the layout like the back of your hand. You stepped meekly, feeling around you with your hands and feet. Feeling confident, you lowered your limbs, stood straight and attempted to walk like normal. Your stomach flipped as your foot fell through the air and you tumbled to the floor with a painful smack. “Oww…” You whined, propping yourself up on your elbows and flipping yourself over to lay on your back. Your eyes stung. Your chest tightened. A small sob fell from your lips and you lifted your arms to cover your eyes. The darkness doesn’t change at all. It’s endless, it’s thick and it’s chocking you. Emotions swirl inside, fighting and clawing at each other and you continue to cry, broken, angry and pitiful. “Why me…?” You choke, digging your palms into your sockets. A sudden voice takes you by surprise.  
“Why the motherfuck not?”  
The first thing that leaps into your mind is _attack._ After that, it’s _run._ The first option is useless, you’ve been so used to protecting yourself through psiionics you don’t remember to arm yourself before going anywhere. The second option is stupid, because running would only put you at a disadvantage. You don't really have any other options. “Gamzee!” You hiss under your breath as you sit up, your hair standing on end as the goose bumps prickle across your skin. Your mind’s panic sends your body into a sensory overload, the concrete beneath your hands is burning, every tiny shuffle of fabric, every twitch of a limb screams in your ear. You grope around a bit, trying to find the wall to back up against. “Whatcha lookin’ for brother?” He asks with a shuffle of feet. You pause warily.  
“The wall.”  
“Well I can’t be all and not helping a mother fucker out can I?”  
His hands are suddenly on your shoulders and you whine a little in surprise as he picks you up like a play thing and sits you back down against the wall.  
“So how’d you find out I was hiding down here, brother?” He whistled, a grin in his voice.  
“Down where? I can’t fucking see now can I. I’m…” You scowl, cursing at yourself, “… I’m lost, ok?”  
“Why don’t you got one of them other brothers to help you out? Nothing my motherfucking best friend wouldn’t be all up in arms to be doing.”  
“I’m not a baby. I can learn my fucking self.”  
“Where’s the fun in that? Learning on your own is one hell of a motherfucking sadness circus, man.”  
“It’s not like there are a lot of volunteers on the blind front, Gam.”  
“Well then I volunteer, my brother.”

It takes a while for this to sink in, but when it does you’re impossibly confused. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” You spit, crossing your arms.  
“Means what I said, I all up and volunteer on the blind front like you said.”  
“You _can’t_ Gam, that’s the point – you’re not _blind_!”  
There’s a scuffle of feet as the clown searches for something. In the darkness, you try and think of the way you came to try and get back, but you lost all sense of direction after the fall. It was pointless.  
“A-ha! Found you!”  
There’s more shuffling and the sound of fabric being pulled.  
“There, now I all up and joined the club,” You hear him sit down in front of you.  
“What the fuck do you mean?”  
“Gimme your hands bro,” you hold them out and you feel Gamzee’s hands take them after a few failed attempts. His hands are colder than yours, but it’s a soothing feeling. There isn’t anyone this high blooded alive. They’re not as cold as Feferi’s were, but they soothe and bring back the warmth of her memory. You feel your hands being lifted. You touch skin, a bit of hair, the ridges of a healing scar and then fabric. _Fabric?_

  
“Gam are you wearing a blind fold?” You question, feeling around his pasty, makeup drowned skin.  
“Yes I motherfucking am,” He said proudly. You feel anger flow into your bowels and you snatch your hands away.  
“That’s cheating, you can just look! Don’t fucking patronise me, you shitty clown!”  
“Why would I look?”  
You blink, raising your head a little.  
“What do you mean? Of course you’d look!”  
“Why?” He asks again in a voice so much more sincere than you’d ever heard fall from the other’s lips. “Why would I cheat a bro like that? It takes away all the meaning, don’t it? You don’t say you’re going to make a motherfucker a present then buy it from somewhere, right?”  
You blink, taken back. A slow laugh ripples through the air as Gamzee reaches forwards, his fingers searching from your hair to your lips in slow, alien movements that sets fire to your skin amidst the darkness. “I see you!” He chirps, laughing again and squishing your cheeks.  
Scowling, you reach up again and begin to feel around the face of the troll who murdered a bunch of your friends and hoarded their bodies. You start in his hair, great clumps of knotty curls matted with clumps of stray makeup. His forehead is smooth and the clown makeup he wears makes his skin feel foreign as you push the curls out of your way. Your fingers trace slowly over the scars again before there’s an intermission of fabric, then his nose – sharp and strong and, you have to admit, attractive. Well, from what you remember. His jaw is straight and his lips are rough from being chewed to pieces. You cup his face, as he did yours, and with a grumpy frown you reply;  
“Yeah I see you too, Gam.”  
“Right on motherfucker. Know what we’re gonna see next?”  
“If you turn this into a sex joke I am going to rip your hair out.”  
“Hahahahaha!! No way, my brother – we’re gonna go see the world.”  
“We live on an asteroid.”  
“Ok ok man, then let’s just go see some corridors instead.”


	2. Home stretch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmfao this is really short and unnecessary but I'm just kind of building it up  
> Mostly a lot of talking, but there's not much to write about visually omg  
> haven't proof read properly so probably a lot of mistakes

You hold Gamzee’s hand as you move cautiously through the darkness, fingers prodding and poking and stroking walls and switches and wires. The feeling is relaxing as it surges through your fingers in heightened sensory flows. Wires were familiar, an old friend. Stroking them calmed you down immensely as Gamzee fretted and laughed his way forward, stumbling and sometimes pulling on your arm for support. There was a strange buzzing in the pit of your stomach like the bees that once filtered through your hive. You weren’t sure what it meant, but with every squeeze of your hand it grew a little. You frowned as you tried to figure the sensation out, but a voice pushed you out of your thoughts.  
“Yo man, you ain’t been saying much for a while, something wrong?” Gamzee questioned absently, still trudging along diligently.  
“It’s nothing, I’m just thinking.”  
“Well share it with the class, brother! Something got you worryin’?”  
Silence forms as you try to think of how to phrase the next question right. Sighing, you readjust your goggles.  
“Why didn’t you kill me when you found me?”  
Gamzee stops so suddenly you bump into him, yelping a little as you try to stay balanced. His grip on your hand becomes painfully tight.  
“’Cause I know my best friend would be all kinds of upset over that. I can’t no longer be doing things that all up and upset my rail, now can I? You ain’t going to do me no harm, so there’s no point in harming you either,” He laughs lightly and loosens his grip, “besides, I already got one of your corpses down in my hole, don’t need another one now do I?”  
A shiver runs across your skin and you hum in understanding.  
“Anyway, why didn’t you have a go at me? Thought you were pretty mad about the whole killing thing too.”  
You shrug and start walking, Gamzee falling into line beside you.  
“There’s not much I can do about it. I’ve died enough already.”  
“That you have.”

Fingers brush metal and you find your hands on top of something cold and rectangular. “A plaque?” You question, fiddling with it some more. “Ooh, where motherfucker?” Gamzee coos. You take his hand with your free one and guided it to where you had just touched. “So it motherfucking is! Think you can read it?” He asks with a bubbly laugh.  
“I’m not sure.”  
“I’ll help bro!”  
You nod and let your fingers brush over the plaque, feeling the indents and markings. You place your hand in the top right hand corner, brushing over the letters to get a feel of them before returning and covering them in more depth. You finger the inscription carefully. The line goes down then flicks out to the left before kicking up to the right again. You search around the outside to make sure you didn’t overlook any extra indents, but upon finding it clear you report your observation.  
“It’s an L. The first letter is L.”  
“Sweet as man, let me try the next one.”  
You move to get out of his way, but the other troll simple drapes over your shoulder as his fingers get to work on deciphering the next one. You freeze up, feeling the tendons in his arms stretch and release as he got to work. His hair tickled your ear and he smelt strange – a musky, sour smell that reminded you of metal, off sweets and dust. You wonder if he’d showered since his disappearance. There was another smell, just under the surface but you couldn’t put your finger on it. Fish? No, that wasn’t it. It was definitely salty, but it wasn’t just salt. It was the beach. The bastard still smelt like the beach.  
“Man, nuzzling into me ain’t helping my concentration at all, ya know.”  
You snap out of it and pull your nose back from Gamzee’s head. You hadn’t even realised you’d gotten closer, you were practically sniffing at his scalp. The chuckle he let out from your reaction rumbled across your back.  
“Find anything interesting?”  
You scowl, crossing your arms, “You smell like the beach.”  
“I did a lot of waiting down by them waters, I wouldn’t be surprised if my bones smelt like the stuff. Anyway, the second letter is A.”  
“A? So LA so far. Let me try next.”  
“Sure thing,” he agreed, pulling his arms away. You feel a pang of disappointment but continue forward. After about a minute of letter probing, you figure it out. “LAB. It says LAB.”  
“So we’re close to the Laboratory section, then? Wow, we’re almost there motherfucker!”  
He entwines his fingers with yours again and you both move on.

When you’re close you can practically taste Karkat’s rage. You can hear it clear enough, anyway. If your sense of direction is right you’re in the corridor just before the hall that leads down to the main camp you guys have set up. “Come on, the rest should be easy as fuck.”  
Gamzee laughs nervously.  
“I better not, man.” He mutters anxiously.  
“What? Why? Come on, I’m sure Karkat’s dying to see you.”  
“My little crab brother is all up in knowing where my hidey hole is, man. He can see me whenever he likes, but I can’t go any further.”  
“But why?”  
“”Cause some of them motherfuckers ain’t gonna be happy to see my ugly mugg ha ha.”  
Kanaya’s enraged face briefly makes an appearance in your mind’s eye and you shudder with fear yourself.  
“Yeah, I guess so. Thanks for helping me out, I probably would’ve died down there eventually. Can’t help it that I’m such a shithead, I guess. No that’s a lie, I’m fucking great fuck KK.”  
Gamzee snorted and cackled, whacking you good naturedly on the back.  
“Right on, mother fucker!”  
You grin, chuckling softly.  
“Is there anything I can do to pay you back, Gam?”  
“Well in return for returning you safely, I would motherfucking like to get a good whiff of your motherfucking hair, brother! Fair is fair ‘n’ all.”  
“That’s stupid!”  
“So I am,” he sniggers.  
“Fine, go ahead.” You roll your eyes reflexively.

Gamzee’s hands search for your face, tracing over your chest and collar bones – barely touching your neck as he cups your cheeks. His clothes rustle as he leans down, pressing his nose to your scalp and breathing deeply.  
“Mmmm, smells like bread soaked in honey,” Gamzee murmured, sniffing carefully, “And static. Electric honey, hahah! Sounds like a motherfuckin faygo flavour man – damn I would be all up and into that shit! Why isn’t that shit a thing? Totally should be, brother. Fucking A++ for that idea.”  
“Oh my fucking god Gam,”  
“What?”  
“I don’t know, you’re just so….” You shake your head and laugh as he pulls away.  
“Go on before my little man gives himself a motherfucking hernia or some shit.”  
“Alright, alright, I’m going. Bye, thanks again.”  
“No problem, motherfucker. Come get lost down in these parts some other time.”  
“You know that has a high probability of becoming a thing.”  
“When did it stop being a thing?”  
“Well it didn’t, really.”  
“Ha Ha right on! See ya round sometime.”  
“Yeah, sure.”  
Gamzee’s footsteps echo loudly as he trudges down the corridor. You wonder if he’d forgotten to take his blind fold off, but by the time you think of asking he’s already gone. You turn on your heels and face the distant screaming of Karkat’s uncontrollable rage. With a sigh, you make your way back. You prepare yourself for another sad case of the _are we still friends_ line, but at the same time your mind can’t help but wander back to Gamzee’s hands on your face. You cheeks burn brightly, and if you could see you’re sure they’d be the colour of Honey. _Electric Honey._ You think with a smirk.  
Who even thinks of something like that?


	3. One night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short because i haven't updated since the dinosaurs died and i felt bad sshhhhhhhhhh  
> i dont know whether to add sex to this story or not  
> so maNY DECISIONS????

You visit Gamzee frequently after that. If by visiting you mean you get yourself ridiculously lost in the ventilation shafts and power grids for Gam to come find you. It’s like playing hide and seek, but there’s only one round and afterwards you both spend your time loitering around in dark holes, talking and feeling your way around. Gam keeps his blindfold on around you, and having someone else there with the same disadvantage turns out to be ten times as helpful as you had imagined. It also turns out he doesn’t actually like to be separated from the others. Though he does admit to crawling into KK’s room through the vents for some pale jams, he avoids the others (see: Kanaya) like the plague. He likes to hear you tell stories about the others, especially the humans and Terezi. Mostly Terezi. You press him about this, but he just chuckles and calls it his “little motherfucking secret”. As the days pass he ends up liking a lot of different things too. He likes playing with your fingers, then eventually, holding your hand. Hand holding had been a thing from the start, you held hands as you walked. It’s nicer to have someone there to catch you when you trip up (and Gam tripped _a lot)_ but soon he’s holding your hand even when you’re just sitting. He likes to talk into your hand, drawing letters and words for you to guess. You do the same to him too. Eventually this stops though. Now you both trace each other’s skin for no reason at all. Gamzee also likes to put his head in your lap. He likes to sit between your legs. He likes to wrap you up in his huge wiry arms, and hell, you like it too. Neither of you think much of it. You still do exercises, feeling things with your fingertips, describing them, etc. It’s helped so much you don’t even do it that often anymore. You can walk around completely unaided when your back in the labs with the others. Kanaya thinks it’s you making a miraculous recovery. Rose’s wiggling eyebrows suggest she doesn’t believe it for a second. Then, one day, touching walls isn’t enough.

You’re sitting in his lap, absently pulling pieces of loose string from your clothing when it happens. It’s nothing out of the ordinary, you do this all the time, it’s how you look at each other. The feeling was different though. His fingers silently tracing up your arms, your shoulders and your neck, trailing circles and leaving your skin tingling, the sensation sending shivers down your spine and goose bumps across your skin. Then he continues up, and his fingers are on your face. You smile because, as you said, this was normal. It’s a routine you know well and you can predict his movements even before he does them. He traces across your Jaw, your cheeks, cheek bones, eye lids, eyebrows and nose, all slow and deliberate. The lips are last, and probably the most awkward. Only this time it’s not. It’s something else entirely and it leaves you a mess inside. He touches lighter than usual, tracing the chapped skin from one corner to the other, upper lip then lower lip. His fingers linger. The first few seconds are fine, but as they continue to tick by the pads of Gamzee’s fingers start to feel like electric currents. You feel your face flush and your breath hitch, your heart is racing so fast you think it might implode in some gross cataclysmic black hole of yellow. But as quick as ever, the touch is gone. You swallow tentatively, body humming with the left over adrenaline. Almost as if nothing had happened, Gamzee laughs and squeezes you tight.  
“Hahaha, man, I could dig a good grilled cheese, what about you?”

After Gamzee consumes five grilled cheese sandwiches, finishes off eight bottles of faygo then scoffs down at least two bags of sour grubs, it’s time you headed back. When you bring this to his attention, Gamzee goes quiet. “Can’t a brother stay a bit longer?” He whines. _Whines_. High pitched and nasally and wow you have never actually heard this man _whine_. You wonder briefly if Karkat has, but the thought is gone almost as soon as it comes.  
“Dude, unless you want some serious blood shed staring Mr S. Captor and directed by Sir K. Vantas, then yeah I better be going, Gam.”  
“I don’t want you too,” He pushes, wrapping his lanky arms around your chest and his comically long legs around your waist. You almost topple over.  
“Woah, Gam, come on. I’ll be back tomorrow. And the day after that,” You tag onto the end when you hear him grumble, “What’s gotten you into such a bad mood? I warned you about then sour grubs, man.”  
“Yeah, dog, you told me. Don’t mean I motherfucking listened. Sides, ain’t go nothing to do with no grubs.”  
“Then what?”  
“’S just…” He pauses.  
“Spit it out Gam.” You say, rolling your pupil-less eyes.  
“A brother gets lonely down here in the dark is all. I ain’t the only thing crawlin them vents ya know.”  
Stay the night?  
You’re not sure if it’s a good idea. Then again, it sounds like a pretty fucking _great_ idea. But still, Karkat would flip his shit. How would you explain that? They’d be looking for you all night, and what would you have to say; oh sorry I got lost and tuckered myself out so I slept in a vent? He’d probably lose his shit about being killed by Gamzee – imagine what he’d be like if he knew he was the one who had asked you to stay. You kind of don’t want to. You sigh angrily. You really are too full of grilled cheese and sour grubs to walk all that way back to the lab. And what’s one night? You can find some whacky explanation to calm KK the fuck down. As long as it doesn’t become a common thing, it’s ok, right? For some reason you don’t believe yourself, but who cares.  
“Fuck it, I’ll stay.” You exclaim, throwing your arms up. You can almost hear Gamzee’s grin.  
“Fuck yes, motherfucker!”  
“Yeah, ok, ouch, stop, Gam bit tight with the legs, ok? Geez. One night, ok? One night.” You warn him, squeezing his arm tight.  
“I got it, man. One night.”  
Gamzee buries his painted face in between your shoulder blades and you sigh.  
You hope to hell this doesn’t become a habit.  
(But not really.)


	4. Bath time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **!!!!!!!!!!!EDIT!!!!!!!!!!:  
>  I ADDED WHAT WAS GOING TO BE CHAPTER 5 TO THIS CHAPTER  
> IT SEEMED SILLY TO JUST HAVE TWO REALLY SHORT CHAPTERS????? UBER GOMEN!!!!!**
> 
>  
> 
> changed it to mature because there will be sloppy make outs and you will like them or so help me  
> ALSO MASSIVE BIG THANKS TO LUNNEUS FOR DRAWING ME SUPER KAWAII [FANART](http://thelunneybin.tumblr.com/post/34403217993/a-very-lovely-scene-from-sightless-by-kaluha-if) FOR THIS FIC!!  
> no one has ever illustrated anything for me ever so omg crying blood from my penis  
> massive supeeR HUGE THANK

You nap for a while, the little spoon in the equation, your face buried into his sweaty shirt. Lying beside him brings you a calm you’ve never experienced, the underlying smell of the beach seeps into your dreams, his breathing coming like the soft pull and push of the water and the breeze. You can almost pretend you’re there now, napping quietly. Not that you’ve ever seen the beach in person. Or ever will. You will never see the waves or taste the salt. You will never see or smell her again. A sudden pang of sadness causes your body to automatically curl in on its self. The beach disappears and the other smells take over. The smell of blood, the tingling cold skin of a highblood. You swallow nervously as Feferi floods your mind. Her blood is such a rich pink in the dark of the computer room. The dimness makes the flash of Eridan’s wand twice as bright. The pile of horns she falls on catches her blood like cups, flowers waiting to quench their thirst – and what pretty, fuchsia dew drops she produces. It’s not an instant kill, she gurgles. She gurgles and clutches at the hole through her chest as her body comes to terms with the damage. When her fingers slip, wet and slick in her own blood, she finally passes. Her eyes glaze over and she chokes a little on the blood tracing her lips. You can’t move, you’re barely conscious as is. You can do nothing to comfort her, to ease her into the afterlife. You brought this on to her.  
You brought this on to her and you hate yourself.

You choke as the darkness presses in, grasping out in front of you like a child to fist Gamzee’s shirt. He stirs and whispers your name, searching, questioning. A sob breaks through and suddenly you’re taken up in his big arms, face pushed into his collar bones. “You alright, man?” He whispers quietly, rubbing circles across your back. “What does the beach look like?” You blurt out unthinkingly, body shaking. He makes a confused noise but you shake your head. “Tell me what the beach looks like, Gam.”  
There’s silence for a moment as you squeeze your eyes shut. You can see her again, spread eagle on top of the horn pile, bleeding out. Bleeding everywhere. Then Gamzee starts to talk.  
“Well, brother, back in the day you could just step outside my door and there’d be sand. That shit went on for motherfucking ages, I’m telling you. Spread from horizon to horizon like some kind of motherfucking twister snake, all dark and glistening and soft. The sand is best when you take your shoes off and just bury your toes. It was still warm cause during the day it’d get so hot, sometimes it’d glow. When it gets really motherfuckin hot shit starts turning into glass, like who the motherfuck told it to do that? Fuckin miracles, aight. You can collect the stuff when it cools down. Used to use it to fix up busted windows. Came in all kinds a magical colours. But by night fall the sand is just right, feels like your burying your feet into your lusus’ fur or some shit. Haha, not that I ever really motherfucking did that. But it’s nice anyway. The closer to the water you get, the harder the sand gets. That’s the sand you use to make sand castles and shit. Used to bury myself and make myself a fucking fish tail. Pretend I was just like the old goat.” Gamzee trails off here, but you don’t mind. She’s not in the cold lab anymore, shes on the beach. She’s not bleeding, she’s just dripping water – arms spread out from making an angel in the sand. She’s happier there. Gamzee starts up again and you sigh, content. “Then there’s the ocean. Man, you can’t motherfucking believe that shit, I tell you. Dark blue at night, bright as blood during the day. The waves come up small, tickling your feet. I used to go swimming at dark, but not too deep. Seadwellers ain’t too happy to have visitors like me in their homes. Some were nice though, specially Fef. Man, she was a babe. Motherfucking precious that one.” You mumble an agreement and you can hear his smile. “She used to tell me how my old man was going.”  
“I miss her, Gam.”  
“Sure she misses you too. I sure as motherfucking hell would.”  
“Sorry for crying.”  
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, ain’t seen a damn tear. You are one manly as heck troll.”  
“You are the biggest boat of lame I have ever met.”  
He mimics the hollow sound of a boat horn, then after about five minutes of hysterical laughing you fall back into a peaceful slumber.

It turns out Gamzee had found a bath. Found, but never used. After your little moment you really really need a good wash down, especially since you soaked up about 65% of Gamzee’s smell. Problem is you can’t shower by yourself. Kanaya and Karkat usually take turns at washing you down, especially when it came to your hair. Gamzee fumbles somewhere beside you, turning knobs and putting your hand under it, until eventually it’s at a temperature you can enjoy, which unfortunately for cold-blooded Gam is a bit too far on the warmer scale of things. “Want help getting in?” He asks politely, still holding your hand. You swallow and shake your head. “Uh, Gam?”  
“Yeah, brother?”  
“I’m gonna need you to take your blind fold off.”  
“Why the motherfuck would I do that?”  
“I can’t wash… myself…” You mumble awkwardly, fidgeting with the hem of your shirt.  
“Oh,”  
There’s a gap of awkward silence.  
“Uh, yeah. Last time I tried I got stuck in my clothing and ended up with a concussion.”  
“Well, whatever a motherfucker wants.” He shrugs and there’s the distinctive sound of rustling fabric as he takes off his blind fold. “Woah, man! Light is motherfucking crazy, got eyes all up in fucking pixel party!” He yelps, startled.  
You laugh and you hear him shake his head.  
“Let’s get you out of them clothes then.” He mutters, the sound of his hair rustling. He must be shaking his head. Hard.  
“That sounds ominous.” You chuckle.  
“It’s all how a brother motherfucking sees it.” There’s a smirk in his words that sends the blood straight to your face. Gamzee laughs loudly. “Come on, motherfucker, put your motherfucking hands up – raise them high like it’s a motherfucking stand up,” Oh my god he’s rapping, “Ain’t nothing more fun than a motherfucking strip search, makes a brother wonder what’ll go down in the next verse.”  
“Oh my god Gam, stop – just take my shirt off already.”  
Gamzee laughs and slowly starts lifting the thing up, his cold hands running leisurely up your chest.  
“Things are getting steamy, the waters pretty dreamy – getting high off the vapour that’s finer than tissue paper. News flash, car crash – getting my brother naked for the rehash, ain’t never met an enemy more of tool than the motherfucking shirt worn by this fool,” He finally pulls your shirt over your head, dumping it somewhere nearby.  “Man I am on a motherfucking roll,”  
“Gam, stop, this is terrible – Dave wouldn’t even find this ironic,” You giggle – woah what the fuck you _giggled_ what the hell is happening here. Not that you care, you feel great. You feel better than great. You feel fucking fantastic because now his hands are at your pants and suddenly this feels really different from getting stripped down by Karkat, because now you’re totally quiet, face red and hands feeling really useless at your sides. The popping of your button sends your blood rushing to the other end of town. You awkwardly clear your throat. You’re not even that hard, but Gamzee’s hands are still down there and you want to shove your face into the water and drown yourself. Can you even drown yourself? You’re not sure, but it’s worth a shot.

By the time your down to your underwear, you’re more than certain Gamzee is 100% aware of your raging boner. Not that it’s raging. Maybe simmering? Yeah, your simmering boner. You quickly mumble what was supposed to be a gruff _I can do this part myself_ , but ending up sounding like you were still a prepubescent pipsqueak with a broken voice. You slip your fingers under the elastic and shimmy them off, trying to face away from Gamzee. Well you hope you are. Once the panties are off, you almost throw yourself into the water to avoid further embarrassment. You say almost because you got your foot stuck and kind of fell in. The water is beautiful. It is magnificent. You feel as fresh and cleansed as if you were bathing in the blood of your victims. The warmth burrows through your skin and into your bones. The metal environment leaves your bones strained and aching. You haven’t had a bath in ages, KK and Kan usually just dump you on a stool in the shower. But this is nice. It’s nice and it’s refreshing. Humming contently, you eject your shampoo and conditioner. Honey and milk, of course. You made a habit of keeping it on you, since Dave has taken a particular liking to it. He thinks just because your blind you can’t tell the difference between a full bottle of shampoo and half. The little dick. You hold them up, one on each side of your head. “Here you go, Gam,” You call, closing your eyes and sighing. “Yeah hold on a minute.”  
There’s a distinctive drop of clothing, and for a moment you think maybe Gamzee was rearranging your stuff. Until he slides in his legs behind you and sits down in the water, yelping at the heat. The distinctive feeling of skin on skin sends chills up your spine. Gamzee is in the bath. With you. Naked. Completely naked sweet almighty codex you can feel his junk on your lower back. You swallow weakly and almost drop the bottles when his cold fingers touch yours.

You can hear him squeeze out a dollop of the stuff, but you pay it no mind. This crazy, psychotic clown man – who killed two of your friends and played with their heads – has slipped naked and unprotected into a bath tub with you. And, oh, would you look at that? Not only is he washing your hair he is giving your head its own shiatsu if this isn’t crazy you don’t know what is anymore. His fingers leave cold, tingling lines across your scalp as he prods and pokes and does an amazing job at giving you a head massage. Is it legal for someone to have such nice fingers? You hope not, cause this guy knows how to use them. A content sigh you didn’t mean to let slip escapes and Gamzee chuckles. You can feel it ripple through the water and it puts your nerves into a frenzy. His hands leave to scoop up water. You don’t expect it until suddenly it’s dripping on your head. It gives you a shock at first, but then you get used to it. He rinses your hair, contions, rinses than massages you some more. You can’t remember how, but you somehow end up sprawled across his chest, head wedged under his chin. “Wash your face, Gam,” You mumble, half asleep, “I wanna touch a clean face. None of that greasy paint shit.”  
“Only if you promise not to tell Karkat, that guy would flip a tit, bein’ the only one I do it for and all. I’ll make an exception for you, though.”He adds slyly, burying his face in your hair. He must’ve grabbed a cloth, because there’s a splash and his arms begin to move. You fumble for a bit, but manage to place your fingers on them. He’s scrubbing his face pretty hard, you can feel the tension in his arms. There’s a lot more muscle there than you’d been led to believe. He’d always been lanky, but never scrawny. You just didn’t realise how far away he _was_ from scrawny. You grip his upper arm and squeeze. He could over power you, easily. He’s a highblood – he was built for the kill. But no, here he is – taking your hands and placing them tenderly on his face. “Better?”He asks smugly.  
His skin is so soft, so scarred. It’s nothing like what you had touched before and now, suddenly, you find yourself at a loss of what to say.  
“Sol?” He questions, a slight undertone of confusion.  
He mustn’t be the only confused one, because you cannot believe what you did next.

He tastes like sugar and over sweet food flavouring gone sour. It’s like your mouth was invited to a six year olds party and all there is to eat is grape flavoured candy and artificial sweetener. The kiss barely lasts a second, when suddenly your actions come crashing down around you. You just kissed Gamzee Makara. With lightning speed, you pull out – babbling your apology and sinking deeper into the water. You can feel your face turn a bright yellow and you honestly just want to implode in on yourself. But then his fingers are on your cheeks and his lips are back with a vengeance, and Gamzee shows a degree of tenderness you hadn’t even known existed. He starts off soft, keeping to light movements of the lips and you let your eyes flutter closed. It doesn’t change the darkness, but it’s more natural. As Gamzee begins to set a careful pace, you end up a mess of fingers, touching and stroking his face – trying to imagine his facial features, trying to picture the way his face would change when he tilted his head to get at a better angle. You’ve never wanted to see someone’s face more than this moment, but being deprived of the opportunity is almost exciting. Your neck hurts a little from leaning up, but its fine. It’s fine because the kisses are deeper now, and his hands are on your chest, stroking at the soft hints of muscle, stroking your stomach, your pecks, tickling your nipples and setting your skin on fire. He seems to be doing that a lot lately. You feel drunk, head high up in the clouds as Gamzee snakes a hand up to cup your cheek, tipping your head to lick at your mouth. You shudder and sigh, whining pathetically into the lip lock as his tongue starts to massage your bottom lip. You can’t tell if it’s just the water making you hot and steamy or if this is actually the most action you have had in your entire life and it’s just simply the most amazing thing you have had the unfortunate displeasure of not experiencing before now. Gamzee parts, breathing at least ten times heavier than you. You open your mouth to ask him what’s wrong.  
Then he collapses.

You feel him slip first, and then you hear the unhealthy crack as his head meets the side of the tub. You squeak, panicking, not quite sure what’s happening. Blindly, you feel around, trying to locate his head and stop him from drowning if he’s somehow managed to end up face first in water. “Gam!” You croak, worry closing your throat. “Gam, you ok?” There’s nothing in reply. Your fingers entangle with hair and you quickly pull him up, turning around to hold him up by what you think are his shoulders. With one arm keeping him supported, you quickly use the other one to run across his head. There’s no blood from what you can tell. If there is any damage, it’s not like you’ll be able to see it anyway. This only makes you panic harder. “Gamzee, wake up!” You order, shaking him roughly. Still no answer. You slap him, pinch his cheeks, pull his nose – but nothing. Until, finally, you punch him in the sternum. Gamzee springs to life with a suck in of breath and a hefty cough to join it. He chokes for a bit, spluttering and moaning. His arms move and you assume he’s clutching at his chest. “Oh my god, Gam, I am so sorry – but you wouldn’t wake up – and I was panicking – what the hell was that? What the actually fuck was that man, I was worried sick! Are you ok? How many fingers am I holding up, you’re gonna have to tell me cause I can’t see.”  
“Four…” He mumbles quietly and you sigh in relief.  
“What was that?” You ask again, holding his face in your hands.  
“The steam was making me dizzy as is, brother – then you go and motherfucking pull that shit and next thing I know I got this painful buzz going on in my chest. Fucking hurts like a bitch.”  
“I am _so_ sorry, Gam—“  
“Man, it’s nothing! My motherfuckin life was all up and in your hands and shit brother, a motherfuckers gotta do what a motherfuckers gotta do.”  
“Uh, I’m sorry for, um, you know – kissing you, that was really selfish and, ah, uncalled for and you ended up with a possible concussion and a fist in the sternum, which I know from experience is really painful. I shouldn’t have done that, and I’m sorry, and if you want to like kill me and mount my head or something that’s totally a-ok with me.”

  
When Gam doesn’t reply straight away, you start to worry. When the silence starts to get awkward, you start to regret the last part in case, you know, he actually does it. But no. He doesn’t say anything. He just lets his fingers entangle in your wet hair, lets his nose trace across your cheek, takes in a big fucking lungful of your scent and sighs. Before you can stop your heart from jumping out of your chest, he gives you one big, open mouthed, slightly tonguey kiss that leaves you breathless and, honestly, wanting a hell of a lot more of that sickly sweet taste of his. You don’t even care tonguey isn’t a real word. Despite your whine, he pulls back and kisses your forehead neatly. “Let’s get out before we start to prune,” He mumbled quietly, rubbing circles across your back again. You hum a reply as he pushes himself up from underneath you. Gamzee helps you out of the tub and towels you down. You’re almost too high off his kisses to care about the fact you still have a boner. Almost. Neither of you even bothers to get dressed. He leads you across the room and sits you down on a soft pile. After wandering around a bit with your hands, you realise it’s a giant pile of clothes and blankets. It’s his bed. This is where he sleeps, on a pile of rags in some dingy corner of a meteor, scuttling through the vents and living by himself. You suddenly feel really lonely for him which means when you feel him crawl in next to you, you wrap your arms around his flimsy chest and latch onto him. He just laughs in your ear. The sound repeats itself until you fall asleep.

 You wake up with 76 missed calls on your headset and a flooded voicemail.  
You don’t really want to listen to them.


	5. Voice mail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CHAPTER FIVE BUT IT WAS SO SHORT I JUST ADDED IT ON TO CHAPTER FOUR!!  
> so please go back and read the three paragraphs of makeouts I added  
> super gomen like wow  
> have some voice mail

**Voice message number one:**  
“SOLLUX ARCHIBALD CAPTOR I AM GIVING YOU A MIDDLE NAME BECAUSE THAT IS HOW FUCKING SERIOUS I AM ABOUT THIS. SO HELP ME GOD, YOU INCONCEIVABLY SHITTY MEAT WAD OF A LIVING BEING, IF YOU DON’T CALL ME BACK SOON I WILL KILL YOU SO FAST YOU WILL BE DEAD BEFORE I KILL YOU.”

 **Voice message number two:**  
“I AM SERIOUS NOW YOU ANSWER ME CAPTOR OR I WILL FUCKING CASTRATE YOU. I WILL CASTRATE YOU AND MOUNT YOUR GENITALS ON MY WALL. IT WILL HAVE A PLAQUE BENEATH IT READING “GOD BLESS THE BULGE OF CAPTOR THE IMBECILIC”. I WILL SHIT ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.”

 **Voice message number twenty three:**  
“Sollux, it’s Kanaya.”  
“GOD FUCKING DAMN PIECE OF SHIT DOOR I SWEAR—“  
“Just calm the fuck down dude, come on.”  
“Please pick up. Karkat got angry and slammed the door to the cubicle."  
“WHO WAS IN HERE LAST? TELL ME WHO WAS IN HERE LAST! WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT SPRAYING!!”  
“It’s jammed and Dave’s having trouble rescuing him. He really is worried, please reply.”  
“GO SUCK MY FUCKING BULGE STRIDER I AM SO DONE—“

 **Voice message number fifty seven:**  
“Ok, we got him out but I’m worried about giving him the phone. Please reply. I think he might be suffering from self inflicted brain damage.”

 **Voice message number fifty eight:**  
“—AM SO DONE SO FUCKING DONE SOLLUX CAPTOR. PICK UP THIS PHONE. PICK UP THIS PHONE RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO FRY YOU IN MY OWN URINE. I WILL BLEACH YOUR EYES WHITE. PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP PI—“

 **Voice message number sixty five:**  
“Look man. I’m really sorry about what I said last message. I didn’t mean to bring your lusus into it, you know how I get. Are we still friends?”

 **Voice message number sixty six:**  
"You know I'm just worried because I love you in that weird human friendship way."  
  
 **Voice message number sixty nine:**  
“Hello Sollux, it’s Rose. Karkat’s started crying. I’m not sure if they’re angry tears or just very tired tears. I’m taking pictures for you, but do please reply. There’s only so much Vantas tears to go around before the earth retains the salt and the permanently dries up.”

 **Voice Message number seventy six:**  
“WE’RE COMING TO LOOK FOR YOU, DONT FUCKING DIE OK.”


End file.
